It is a manic obsession. It is a dream with vivid specifications. I cannot remember how or when it started. Maybe Disney movies triggered it. I just knew in senior high school that I wanted a special wedding when I'm 26. I knew that I wanted poetry for gospel. I knew the songs I wanted. I have created a million playlists for my wedding march options and the entire big event. I knew how i wanted my hair done. I knew about the best cut for my wedding gown. I knew how to group the guests in tables. I knew that there will be cameras in each table fto capture every perspective and angle of the special day. At one point, I knew I wanted to wear Chucks. Too bad that a lot of things I knew have been used in other people's weddings. I should have gotten a patent for everything. I would have made a fortune from these.
I'm turning 35 in a few months. It's been 9 years since the target date. Because of circumstances, none of which are within my control, everything that I knew are just things I knew.
I realized today that it is never going to happen. Maybe "realized" is not even the right word. Maybe "accepted" is more apt.
I did the math. My rules say that this dream expires when I'm 39. Just because. That's non-negotiable. So I have 4 years to wait but we will not have the money for a wedding in 4 years. We want our own home and it will definitely not sit well with me if we spent money on my wedding instead. It is not just right.
Today is the day I say goodbye to the dream and say hello to a lifetime of tears and bitterness when I see, feel or hear anything close to weddings and all its glory. But hey, don't we all have something that makes us bleed uncontrollably every single time that we remember what it was like? It is painfully normal.
Everybody wants or strives to be smart, practical, progressive and, for lack of a better and contemporary term, cool. But we all have a few things we keep very close to our hearts that just don't fit into these descriptions.
I am YummyliciousLady. I was never, and will never be, a blushing bride.