Noche Buena Mano

Hindi ako nagbabasa ng blog ko pero ako ang nagsusulat kaya sigurado ako na mga 100 times na ako nagkaroon ng post na ganito ang tema. Sa totoo, scheduled post ito. Hinahanda ko na rin ang aking sarili para sa mga gusto kong gawin forever at sisimulan sa December 23 (unang araw na wala akong pasok ngayong yuletide season). Gagayahin ko yung START-STOP-CONTINUE tapos lalagay ko ang help needed para may ambag ka naman sa ekonomiya ko.

START

• Magbasa ulit ng libro. Minimum of one book per month
• Swimming, thrice a week.
• 24-hour fasting. Once a week.
• Saving some money from my 10-25 payday allowance. Minimum P50 per week.
• Sending one email per day to Sir_Ko

STOP

• Smoking
• Drinking coffee and all colored and flavored drinks (except pag may manlilibre or pag may espesyal na okasyon)
• Extra rice

CONTINUE

• Blogging. Minimum of three posts per week.

HELP NEEDED

• Don't think that I've changed kung hindi muna ako sasama sa mga yosi-kape-inuman sessions until stable na ako.
• Don't make me spend on unplanned shit. Nakakagulo sa budget ko.
• Support me. Remind me about this post kapag nate-tempt akong gawin yung mga nasa "STOP." Pero be gentle. Masama ang ugali ko kapag binabraso ako. Yung isang stick kaya kong gawing isang kaha yan.
• Patience. Baka mag-beast mode ako.
• Prayers.

#mychangeiscoming

No haze
No regrets
No Facebook
No dehydration
No sleep deprivation
No senseless comparisons
No intellectual and social constipation

Panata

Ganiyan ka-severe ang aking problema. Wala pa akong napagtagumpayan na paraan, maski isa. May iniiwasan akong gawin kasi mahirap saka sabi kung titigil ka sa adiksyon, dapat walang ibang dahilan kung hindi ikaw. Baka kapag inalay ko para sa panalangin e gumana.

Panata. Nung bata raw ako ay sobra akong sakitin. Hikaing payatot. Yan ako. Wala na ang signs niyan sa akin. Magaling mamanata ang mga magulang ko. Inalay daw nila ako sa Black Nazarene sa Quiapo. Isinisimba pa nila ako ron na naka-Nazareno costume. Wagi ako ron with my naturally African American curls. Hanggang ngayon pa nga para pa rin akong apo ni Bob Marley.

Kaya sige eto na. Susubukan ko talaga. Para sa mga dalangin ko para sa mga bata.

How I Learned The Bad Habit

I didn't smoke until my first promotion at work. I was a call center agent in 2001 and back then, I only did five things during my breaks:

1. Eat - there were no rules against eating in one's work station. It was ok and I loved it. Some filthy inconsiderate people just ruined this piece of heaven for people like me. People left leftover food on their desks, spilled food and drinks on their keyboards, etc. So that ended pretty bad. Hate you slobs. Forever.
2. Work - while eating or not eating, I'd check pending cases, emails and online resources on how to be great at my job.
3. Having fun with my big ass set of crayons and coloring books (not the grown up ones, I'm referring to hardcore coloring books from the kids' section of National Book Store)
4. Blogging
5. Sending love notes and emails to the boyfriend (now the hubby)

Then I got promoted to the SME (Subject Matter Expert) role. This job had one major responsibility - walk the floor to help out agents and take escalated calls. Briefly explained -  international callers have a very different customer service orientation from the typical Filipino. If they don't get what they want, they will push and scream and ask for a supervisor to push some more. That's where the SMEs are needed.

It was 2002 and call center management principles and frameworks are at their infancy stages in the Philippines. There was no trunkline to line supervisors. Like I said, we were walking the floor. This also means that while I'm quietly taking my breaks on my station, agents will still approach me to ask questions or escalate calls. Saying no was very difficult and heartbreaking because ---

1. I had my own share of SMEs-from-hell experiences. This dark kind of employees acted like God's gift to humankind and made agents feel sorry for having to ask for help. When I applied for the post, my vision was to change this perception. I wanted to serve and protect. Haha!
2. I still had dreams of moving up the ladder. I wanted to build the best reputation in town. There were nasty rumors about SMEs avoiding tasks. I did not want any tinge of this bad rep on me. And when you're on your desk, on your break, it was just so difficult to explain that you are on break.
3. I did not have the heart to say no to people who were on the verge of tears (actually some were already all cried out by the time they got to me and some waited behind me until I finished my 15-minute break!). Being an agent with a screaming customer on the other line is not easy.

Eventually, I just decided to leave my desk during breaks. But where do I go? I don't like being in the pantry. So I decided to go outdoors, at the ground floor, where the cool smoking people had all the peace, quiet and fun that I could never have in the agony bay. I got curious one time and puffed a few. And the rest is history.

It has been 13 years since the first puff. And it is getting more and more difficult to break the bad habits. I have had several promotions after the first but the routines stayed with me all these years. I start my days and nights at work with happy sticks and coffee. I took my breaks with these addictive companions. They were with me during the darkest and happiest hours of my young adult/adult years.

I blame no one for the addiction. I still believe that every act is a matter of choice. There is no such thing as being pushed to do something against your will. But it is also true that certain environments and motivations are catalysts for building good and bad habits. I just need to find the perfect and real blend of "that" which will make me good. And the will to put 13 years of hazy zen behind.

Failed in 10 Hours

It only took 10 hours. But I am not going to reset the mobile app (QuitNow). I will just look at this as a "cheat" but I'm still on the quittting saddle. Whew!

I can ---  STILL --- do this.

The time is 8:06 PM Manila Time, 26-July-2015

And I am trying again to call it quits.

For the umpteenth time.

Here goes nothing of hopefully the biggest something in all of my favorite things.

You know what the other problem is?

When I am hurt, I feel that this bad thing here is justified. It is my sweet revenge to any attack to my dreams or my inner peace. Every puff is a teardrop or hurtful words not said. Every puff a reminder of my ideas and hopes about living and loving. I am but a fragment of all that I wanted to be when I was small. I am the sad piece left from years of compromise. Compromise. Compromise. I know this cannot be right. But when I smoke, I am reunited with my favorite version of me. The one that got away.

See, as I am posting this, I feel that I deserve to smoke. I don't know. I really don't.

When the going gets tough, the tough get puffin...

Ilang beses na akong natuksong magkaroon ng "niche blog" pero laging nanlalaban ang puso ko. Ang mga batang tulad ko na sumabay sa pagba-blog noong panahon ng dot-com bubble ay nagsusulat na para bang may bagong diary. Mapusok, maloko, malabo, walang paligoy-ligoy.

Ang post na ito ay dapat sa diary na may kandado nilalagay. Kagaya nang marami ko pang post, tungkol ito sa akin. Kausap ko ang sarili ko. Pero kung gusto mong sumali, choice mo 'yan. Basta huwag kang magulo.

Anyway, ilang taon ko nang gustong tumigil sa paninigarilyo. Ibinitin ko na nang patiwarik ang bisyong ito at saka kinatay. Inaalam kung paano nagsimula, hinahanap sa apdo ng mga dahilan kung bakit ang paninigarilyo ay di ko magawang tigilan.

Sabi ng maraming sikat na nagsulat tungkol sa pagbitiw sa Sunog Baga Gang, isa raw itong addiction. Therefore, hindi raw magagamot ng basta-basta. Sinubukan kong basahin, nakikinig pa nga ako ng audio book na version, pero wala. Wala talaga. Kung hindi lang downloaded torrent files yung pinakikinggan ko e sisingil talaga ako dun sa kanilang money back pakulo.

Enter a friend's bright idea. Hindi naman pagyoyosi ang pinag-uusapan namin noon. Pag-ibig at paglalakbay ang tema, pero nabanggit niya, "DISPLACEMENT LANG YAN!" Sabi pa niya, "if you're not doing this, then you're doing the other."

Oo nga. Kailangan kong i-displace ang pagnanasang maghithit-buga. Kahit napapabalitang panalo sa multi-tasking ang kababaihan, may expiration date yun. Hindi na nga ako maka-chika habang nagte-text eh. So ang aking space na kakainin ay dapat na walang nicotine. Weh e pano naman yun?

Slide is from here

Here's the grand plan.

1. Hindi muna ako pupunta sa tinatawag na Lung Center dun sa building ng office namin.
2. Kapag ako'y naglalaway sa masamang hangin, magdo-drowing ako. O kaya magpo-post dito sa blog. O kaya susulat ng tula. O kaya magbabasa ng Sophie's World para maubusan ako ng lakas para gumawa ng kahit pa ano. At higit sa lahat, kung hindi gumana ang mga naunang pagpipilian, isusulat ko ang dahilan kung bakit ako magyo-yosi break. Yung 5Why's method. I think, bago pa ako matapos e nagagalit na ako.
3. Kapag maglalakad ako papasok sa trabaho at pauwi ay mag-dadala ako ng tubig. Para may sisipsipin pa rin.
4. Pangatawanan. B a w a l   a n g   k a p e. At kahit anong may kulay/flavor na inumin.
4. Magdadasal? Sana kaya.

So ayan na muna. Pero bago iyan, ubusin ko muna ito. K?

Isa pang pekatyur.

Again.

Ang dami ko na pinost na ganito. But. Yeah. Ulit.

Anti-Smoke Belching Campaign #005

Every Tuesday and/or Saturday, Mr. Smith visits and talks about his woes with the wife. Today's highlight involved physical violence. Mrs. Smith kicked Mr. Smith in the thigh area and he's in pain. This, after Mrs. Smith confronted two women from Mr. Smith's work... one of the ladies is allegedly the "other woman."

I don't know when this "special role" that I play for Mr. and Mrs. Smith will ever end. I am the bleeding ear that must hear about their financial, emotional and sexual problems. I have been lobbying for divorce since I learned how to construct sentences in English. But nothing ever happened...

I want to smoke, but I won't. I have a serious chest ache. Usually goes away after two puffs... must endure.

Anti-Smoke Belching Campaign #003

Anti-Smoke Belching Campaign #001 - All about routine
Anti-Smoke Belching Campaign #002 - All about anxiety and anger

Third craving for this shift is due to "GV" reasons. I love smoking breaks. I'm attached to the "idea" of smoking breaks because... I have to say... the best years of my life were spent under man-made clouds. I never had to lie in this world. I never had to give up on anything or anyone in this world. I will definitely miss the conversations wrapped in poison haze.

Hence of all the reasons to date, this is the most painful of all...

Anti-Smoke Belching Campaign #002

Warning: This is a very angry nicotine-free post. Parental Guidance is advised.

The need to travel overseas for work-related reasons is a need that I've been able to "escape" over the past seven years. I just had to maintain:

1) a non-travel ready profile ---- never applied for a Passport
2) a great network of possible referrals --- if/when someone needed to be sent somewhere, I was the first to give recommendations (ex. Person X will be happy to go! She has a passport, a visa and she's been there too!)
3) a healthy databank of witty replies to follow-up questions about my passport --- (ex. Boss asks "how many times do I have to tell you that you need a passport!?!" and I reply "I don't need it for Baguio and Cebu... don't worry, I'll take care of it when provincial government units start requiring passports before entry.")

All these didn't work with my new employer and boss... didn't even get to try because it was clearly discussed before I joined --- Annual planning session/s in "other" offices should be expected. Just received some emails from the boss about an upcoming travel and I feel like I'm going to throw up anytime between this sentence and the last line. I want to smoke before I start cursing out loud.

I have been assessing the root cause of this travel-anxiety-evil for quite some time now... so before I light another cancer stick, here goes the 5Why's for this craving:

1. Fear of getting lost. I have a terrible sense of (non)direction. I'm capable of getting lost in our own neighborhood. What's going to happen to me if, and when...
2. Fear of getting arrested. The world is cruel to travelers from third-world countries. Because of certain prejudices, we've become the "favorite" people of immigration officers. We're high potential drug dealers/carriers. I do not want to be the next victim of prohibited drugs"planting."
3. I FIND THE US VISA APPLICATION PROCESS DEGRADING. <Please insert profanities and very angry howling>. I never dreamt about living/being in the US. I like it here. I hate it that I have to go through the hassle of completing paper work and answering arbitrary questions from consuls just to prove that I will returm to my homeland after my business in the "promised land." I am a valuable talent, at least according to my employer, and therefore I'm needed in their country. I'm not begging for entry. I hate it that I worry about possible DENIAL on first try --- but that's only because I don't want to fucking do it again for a what-the-hell-how-did-that-happen-approval the day after getting denied. Let it be known that if this is not a requirement of the job, if I can delegate this to someone else in my team... I'd be a happy camper if I didn't have to fucking go. Fuck everyone who thinks that Filipinos will eat shit just to see snow or whatever...
4. Thought#3 will never go away until the day that all Americans will be required go through the same process that we Filipinos go through whenever we attempt to enter the land of Uncle Sam.
Whew! There you go. I didn't smoke!!!



Anti-Smoke Belching Campaign #001

I don't know how long I may need to keep doing this but I need a way to survive this Anti-Smoke Belching Campaign of mine. Here's a temporary (?) strategy. I will post one entry every time I feel the need to smoke. I will explain why I need to smoke. This task accomplishes two things:

1) distraction from the craving
2) exhaustion from answering the WHY*
The 5Why strategy is a simple framework used in problem-solving and decision-making situations. If done properly, it brings you to the root cause of any problem at hand. Smoking is a problem. I hope to get tired to explaining why I need to smoke until the craving disappears.


For the past three months, I've been walking from home to the office. The leisurely walk gives me time to enjoy music, musings and... vice! Yes, smoking while walking. Didn't do that tonight (success 1). My throat felt so dry the entire 20 minuets. When I got to the building, I wanted to drop by the smoking area. Didn't do it (success 2). After I logged-in to my work email, put my lunch in the fridge and a host of other pre-shift routine tasks... felt the need to smoke again. Force of habit. I've been starting my shifts at work this way, for the past 10 years. I did not give in (success 3). 


5Why's for this craving entry:

Some lines from The Little Prince. I just remembered that 10 years ago, I started smoking because the job was stressful... because I'd rather be somewhere else than take calls. But I love my job now. So the reason's outdated.


“Why are you drinking?” demanded the little prince.
“So that I may forget,” replied the tippler.
“Forget what?” inquired the little prince, who already felt sorry for him.
“Forget that I am ashamed,” the tippler confessed, hanging his head.
“Ashamed of what?” insisted the little prince, who wanted to help him.
“Ashamed of drinking!”

So this is Anti-Smoke Belching Campaign #001... happy to say, I survived three smoking cravings!