Out Here, On My Own

I will try to make this as cryptic as possible. It's a little frightening to write about it, but if I don't... I might just find myself doing/saying the unthinkable one of these days. Maybe this post is already an "unthinkable" huh?

I'm proud alumnae of this special University. I learned everything that I know, about what I do now, from this place... through mentors who are hard core, educated, experienced, devoted and passionate practitioners in the field of...

When our Professor Emeritus left, and the University was dissolved and handed over to another power block that did not know (nor cared to know) about we were about, he told us to view the sad goodbye as a graduation. We were graduating from the University and we're now ready to face the real world.

For the love of ceremonies and rituals, we read this. With the moon, the stars, several bottles of wine, beer and vodka, buckets of tears... We made a promise. Of course we tried to be cool with how we wrote our vow... who wants to be cheesy, right? Right....

Six years after this graduation, I left the country (ok, that's metaphorical). I faced the "REAL" real world. I thought I was ready. Six years of fighting for the "voice" of the University... I thought I've already witnessed and experienced all the possible means and ways of prostituting the "discipline."

I was wrong. Along with this discovery came the realization that I have yet to achieve that scary state of indifference that the "real" world requires. I can play the part (spell ACT) but the mind and the heart cannot be silenced. I am frustrated and angry. Very angry.

While recent series of events continue to suck the life out of me, I am still optimistic. I am angry because I care. I am frustrated because I know what I know. I'll be ok. After this post. I wish.

I just have to say that I miss the University.

Sometimes I wonder
Where I've been
Who I am, do I fit in?
Make-believing is hard alone
Out here, on my own
We're always proving
Who we are
Always reaching
For that rising star
To guide me far
And shine me home
Out here on my own
When I'm down and feeling blue
I close my eyes so I can be with you
...
I may not win
But I can't be thrown
Out here on my own