Paglaki ko gusto ko maging...

Isang umaatikabong emo entry para sa akin.

31 years of wondering and wandering on earth... A few months before The 31st, I got my heart set on letting go. Content Analysis of all my boo-hoo angst indicate frustration and regret over elusive dreams I was lazy, crazy, too scared to pursue. The big bulk of regret baggage needs to go away. And so here's an inventory of the one's (ang dami) that got away... some resolution and hypnotic how-to-deal.


1. Ito ang gusto kong maging career:

~Women's NGO
~Mainstream Media (print and/or broadcasting)
~Literary Arts
~Performance Arts

Pero, pero, pero... first day pa lang as college freshie, alam ko na hindi posible. I need to support the family financially. I need to send three siblings to school. Pera over passion. Kaya nung makatanggap ng offer mula sa call center, go. Bitaw sa lahat. I was, and still, blessed. The call center path led to a very fulfilling career in the training industry.

Maybe, one day, sometime in the future, magagawa ko rin ang lahat ng gusto ko. But for now, I have to stop talking about unfulfilled dreams and not wallow in grief over what I've lost. Or stop thinking about how the sacrifice did not yield any tangible results. I dropped everything to improve the family's financial status. Walang nangyari. And I shall continue to worry about everything money-related by virtue of being the eldest. It will never end until the day I die. Kung mauna siguro ako, pwede. Accept, accept, accept.

2. Gusto ko ang love life marked by two major rituals
~ Rock-my-world wedding proposal
~ Epic, romantic wedding (with a real wedding ring)

Napakahabang kwento but I'd just summarize in two words. My Fault. Everything's my fault. No turning back nor room for revision. My Fault. I need to work my way towards being happy when people get engaged and/or married --- being happy, no traces of envy.

3. Gusto ko ng Shakespearean love affair
Punong puno ng love letters, flowers, surprise for every important event, countless romantic celebrations, cheesy FB shout-outs, senti blog entries.... But I did not fall in love with a Robert Browning. I'm stuck with my best bud Einstein. We're friends. I could not, should not, ask for more.

4. Gusto ko maging best mom na parang Ate Siena/Kuya Bodjie
When I was still dreaming of motherhood, I wanted to write my own children's stories (illustration mine too). I wanted to have a daily routine with my kid... something that beats any playschool's curriculum. I wanted all my energy and creativity to be fully utilized for my little one. Pero ang daming chores! Ang daming trabaho! Ang hirap. I just need to work towards making sure that I don't bring home work.

5. Gusto ko maging yogi, swimmer, martial arts practitioner
Eh kumusta naman ang timbang ko? Kumusta naman ang weekends na dumaraan lang na hindi naghe-hello. Walking is my closest bet. Pwede na. Oo, karugtong ito ng fight against obesity.

6. Gusto kong bumalik sa walang tigil na pagbabasa
Libro, balita. Yung hindi para sa trabahong babasahin. Ito medyo madali, pwede pang karirin.

7. Gusto kong tumigil sa pagyoyosi
 Forever dream. 'nuff said.

And so.. I wish for the strength to:
~ exist with refillable servings of peace
 ~ live with zest despite, and in spite of, bulks of compromise
~ be kind, even when the world is mean

Belated happy birthday to me.

Life is still beautiful. 

Thank you to my team mates for the beautiful
birthday surprise (that I missed).
The candles... surreal!